


Distress and Coma

by EvilDime



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, BDSM, Bad Parenting, Drama, First Time, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Multi, POV First Person, RPF, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Slavery, Slavery, Songfic, Suicide Attempt, Under-negotiated Kink, Unhealthy Relationships, Unreliable Narrator, Victim Blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 13:54:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11105934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvilDime/pseuds/EvilDime
Summary: Without Ruki I was nothing. I knew that. And so I let it all happen. All of it.For Ruki.This can be read without any knowledge of the band.





	Distress and Coma

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this seven years ago, in German. A recent bit of writer's block on my current projects led to me finally translating this into English.  
> I never meant to write RPF, but then I got talking to a friend about why the GazettE's first drummer left the band after only about a year and what became of him. She told me that he re-surfaced in some fairly mainstream band several years later; but that no-one'd heard of him in the years in-between. I joked that obviously, he'd been the band's sex slave and that's why he vanished. She said "Cool. Write that."  
> Well. I did.  
> I apologize to the GazettE for this. I'd like to point out that my characters only bear their names and sing their songs, but otherwise have nothing in common with the real people. So this is more 'inspired by' than actually 'about'.  
> This fic has been built around the lyrics for "Distress and Coma". You'll find various translations of that one online, none of which entirely convinced me at the time of writing (2010). So the translations you'll see on mouseover may vary slightly from what other translations say. For those people reading on their phones, I've put my version of the translation at the end.

Mutely, I look out into the cold, clear night.

Yet another year is coming to its close. Families gather, they share food and laughter, tell stories. Then at midnight, the kids are dressed in warm gloves and hats, father opens the door, mother puts out the light, and the smallest is led by her big brothers' hands.

The joint walk to the shrine at midnight on New Year's Eve is an ancient tradition still carried on by many families today.

Not mine.

My father was never there for me, not even for the New Year. My mother... My mother saw a shared walk, even for religious purposes, as a privilege I never quite managed to earn. She was always very strict. "A nail that stands out is hammered down." That's what they taught us in school, and apparently my mother has centred her entire life around that adage.

Never stand out.

But I like... I liked flashy clothing.

I liked unusual music.

I liked my drum set.

I liked make-up.

And I liked Ishida.

Ishida Shunsuke, the coolest and craziest guy in my year. And probably gay. How else could he have guessed? I wasn't in love, I just found him... well, fascinating. Sure, I was often watching him, but I never said a word and I really don't think I was obvious about it. Still he found out. I really think he might be gay, too; otherwise he wouldn't have been able to correctly interpret my looks with such confidence.

Ishida betrayed me.

Without ever speaking a single word to me, he outed me to the whole school as a pervert. A homosexual. A nail sticking out.

Everyone reached for their hammers.

From one day to the next, I had no friends. Sure, I'd already been a bit of a loner before that. Still, I'd occasionally met up with Okamoto, Yamada and Satou for ice cream or a drum session at the game center. I always had at least a few social contacts.

Suddenly, I was alone.

To this day, I remember my mother's disgusted tone as she issued her ultimatum: I was to move out the moment I graduated. She wanted no business with someone such as me.

My father probably never even noticed any of this drama. Not that he'd have cared.

After all, he was never there.

And so I moved out of our quaint little village right after my graduation, the pocket money I'd saved up over the last year in my bank account and the contents of my mother's purse in my pockets - if she was in a hurry to get rid of me, very well; the least she could do was to pay the train ticket. Father was wealthy enough.

My destination was Tokyo. Toky, city of my dreams.

Oh, what grand ideals I had back then! I wanted to become a fashion designer. Or a singer, or maybe a drummer in a successful band. Or just someone special in any way at all.

With a derisive snort I turn away from the window and look around the apartment.

Special?

Yeah, right.

Maybe special in the sense that there are few like me. But special as in 'loved by the masses', 'famous', 'talented', or even 'cherished'?

Me?

What had I ever been thinking...

Mother was right with her prediction that I'd never amount to anything. Would that I'd listened to her and acted 'normally', taken a boring desk job and -

The door opens.

Quickly, I drop down on my knees on the carpet, lower my gaze and cross my arms behind my back.

"Oi, slave, where are you?"

I hasten to reach the hallway so he can see me.

I knew right away who this voice belongs to. The quick spark of hope that briefly stirred inside me goes out and gloom and loneliness once more reign supreme.

Still, I am grateful for the diversion that drives off my dark thoughts, albeit just for a little while. For a few minutes, maybe for an hour, I get to feel useful. Am allowed to bring pleasure to one of them and to tell myself that I am doing good, that I have a place in life.

What else is there for me?

"I'll have to dash, gotta get back to the kids. But some guy just talked shit at me, I'm just so mad...! Go get me a beer."

  
_Until your distress sleeps_  
_Fill me up with your grief_

  


I hurriedly stand up to get to the kitchen. Usually, I move about on all fours when I have company; but when _he_ demands alcohol, speed is of the essence. His scent tells me this isn't his first drink today. That means extra caution. He has such a temper.

With a submissive gesture, I hand him his Asahi.

Sparing me not a single look, he rips the freshly opened bottle from my grasp and takes a big gulp. Then he puts down the now half-empty bottle on the low table in the living room. Only now does he take the time to swipe his jacket off his shoulders and lets himself fall into one of the armchairs. 

"Hey," he says and clicks his tongue, unambiguously pointing between his legs.

With supple, yet devout movements, I crawl over to him and install myself on the floor between his legs. Without a moment's hesitation, I rub my face against his crotch. He smells a bit musty - it's past eight o'clock in the evening, surely he has been up and about all day - but it's been a long time since that would have stopped me.

I'm feeling a bit off today; somehow more awake and yet less _present_ than usual. Like an uninvolved observer, I seem to be standing beside myself, quietly analysing everything I do.

  
_Hello dear my bride_  
_Nani wo miteiruno_

  


I am torn between disgust and fascination when he opens his zipper and I find myself immediately darting in to pleasure him with my tongue while my hands gently massage his fuzzy balls. He moans contentedly, takes another sip from his bottle and reaches for the remote control. While one of the usual sitcoms flickers to life on the screen behind me, he gives my hair a casual pet.

And I'm in heaven.

Yet at the same time, I am still standing beside myself, critically observing my body's extreme reactions. Is this really all that is left of me? Me, who used to have such glorious dreams? Should this really be the culmination of my life's ambition - a perfunctory caress, while the attention of the man who, at this moment, makes up my entire little world, is fixed on the tv?

  
_Yaseta yume ni_  
_Samenu ima ga utsuru_  
_Kanashimi sae_

  


I woefully realize that the critical look at myself does not make me happy. Usually, I sink so completely into my tasks as a slave that I can forget about my worries and my fears for a while. But today it doesn't work, my brain stays online while he is moving inside my mouth. 

Finally, his fingers grab a tight hold of my hair. He puts aside the beer - it must be empty - and tightly grasps the back of my head with his other hand. Then he starts to roughly fuck my mouth. 

I utter a muffled groan.

Now it's alright.

Now I can forget that my world is out of joint. For this, right here... this is good. He is focussed on me, and on me only! And he is so strong, so forceful. I feel my own erection growing, tenting the fabric of my thin silk pants.

He seems to have noticed too, for his fingers in my hair suddenly loosen and he hoarsely whispers: "Get up. Kneel on the sofa."

I swiftly obey his command, brace myself against the back and spread my legs. He pulls down my pants without ceremony, and then he's inside me.

 _"Hhh,"_ I huff voicelessly. It hurts. I hadn't expected a visit today, not any more, and hadn't really been prepared. 

It won't harm me. When they aren't on tour, not a day passes without at least one of them taking me. Even when I go completely without lube or preparation, like now, my body can take it.

That's what I'm for, after all.

There isn't room for any of those somewhat self-deprecating thoughts in my head right this moment, though. I gasp underneath his hard thrusts and plant my arms firmly against the sofa to keep from tipping over.

_"Master.... Master, please...!"_ My lips mutely shape the words. I stopped speaking a long time ago. Once, I wanted to be a singer, but now I no longer deserve to have a voice. There's no one who'd want to hear it, anyway.  


  
_Koe wo koroshi_  
_Yowaku furueru te ni_  
_Kuchibiru wo otosu_

  


His hand wanders forward along my side to take hold of my erection. I gasp with relief. A tear escapes from the corner of my eye; I was unsure if he would heed my silent entreaty, if he would even notice it.

Pushed back and forth between his hand and his pelvis, I lose myself in ecstasy. So good!

Finally, I feel him stiffening behind me. His hand hurriedly flies up and down my erection.

"Come," he orders, "Come, Yune!"

And I do.

* * *

Uruha is gone.

Once more, I am sitting by myself in the big, empty apartment, lost in my thoughts. This is the sixth time I am alone on New Year's Eve.

New Year's... the family celebration. Family! I laugh hollowly.

Those who drink alone, laugh alone or talk to themselves are crazy, Reita says. Maybe he is right, maybe I have gone mad a long time ago. There is no other explanation for why I have been living like this for six years and haven't already put an end to it all - one way or another.

With slightly trembling hands, I trace my lips. Uruha's bitter taste still clings to them.

Numbly, I look around the little apartment that has been my entire world for so long, now. Can this really be all?

  
_Yaseta yume ni_  
_'Mou ichido' wo utau_  
_Kanashimi sae_

  


And yet it had all started out so well.

Back then, when I first came to Tokyo, I was full of hope for a better future. I wanted to find friends, make music, enjoy life and just be myself for once. And I met Ruki, Reita and Uruha. Sure, they went by different names back then, but once we had founded our band, along with Aoi, soon we were calling each other by those names only, and somehow they fit.

I was in heaven.

Extravagant clothes; friends who respected me even when I put on my make-up with a heavy brush; and music, oh, the music! I loved cranking up the volume to the max, never mind tinnitus. I had found people who shared my taste and I enjoyed it with every fibre of my being.

 

_Miminari ni mou chikazuku hitsuyou nado_

 

I could hardly believe it when we were successful. It was nearly too good to be true. Before my savings account ran empty, our first single was out and I was able to pay the next month's rent for my tiny bedsit. It felt so good to sit behind my drum set on the stage, watching Ruki pull off his show in the front, listening to the strains of the guitars and seeing the sparkling eyes of the girls raptly looking up to us. I was part of something great and for the first time in my life, I felt that I was doing something right. I'd found my place in life.

Had it been up to me, things could just have gone on like that forever. But like always, life decided to put a spoke in my wheel.

I feel in love with Ruki.

That was the beginning of the end.

Ruki - he was the personification of everything I wanted to be. He was fun-loving, confident and a good singer. He looked great and went off with another girl every week. He knew who he was and what he wanted, and the fact that his parents disagreed never slowed him down. As far as I know, he's even reconciled with them by now. Sure, his success speaks for him.

For a moment, I imagine myself returning to my parents and telling them what I've done with my life: "Mama, I'm the sex slave for an entire band now..."

A nail that stands out is hammered down; but what if the nail no longer even remotely resembles a straight bit of iron? I am something else, and I don't believe my mother would even know me for her son.

I hardly recognize myself.

 

But before I can slide further into my depressing self-reflection, I go back to remembering the past. Back when I worshipped Ruki.

I didn't even have to hide my staring, after all people somewhat expect a Visual Kei band to be a bit gay, or at least to pretend to be. And we did have fun putting on a show for the girls. When I remember how Aoi once snook up on me during a little performance in the park and rubbed up against me, I still feel a little dizzy.

I fold my arms around my tucked-up legs and stare at the tv, not noticing any of the pictures that flicker across the screen. With a soft smile, I remember the day Ruki finally addressed my staring.

"Hey Yune, are you staring at my butt?"

"Mhm," I nodded and pretended that was a normal thing to do, even though his words made me feel both too hot and deathly cold.

Ruki grinned. "'s a nice ass, isn't it?"

"Mhm," I said again. "Yumm."

We were alone in the band room, everyone else had left already. Butterflies were fluttering around in my belly when Ruki stalked towards me wearing an attractive smirk.

"Say, Yu-chan, you ever done it with a guy?"

"I..." I was lost for words. How was I to explain to this Casanova that I was still a virgin - in every way?

"Are you blushing, Yu-chan?"

Suddenly Ruki was upon me, his hands on my shoulders, his face above mine.

His lips against mine.

This first kiss was everything I'd ever imagined, and then some. Hot, moist and so sweet.

I moaned.

"Woah," Ruki said with a flick of his tongue, withdrawing a little. "Needy much?"

I growled softly. "Not everyone changes their girlfriends more often than their towels."

Ruki looked at me speculatively. "You're the only one in the band I've never seen with a chick at all. You're totally gay, aren't you?"

I silently glowered at him, but inside, I froze. What if Ruki rejected me now? We both knew he was only playing with me. Ruki loved women. If he got involved with me, it was just for fun. My love had always been doomed. And yet. This kiss had been so heady, I wanted more of him - and be it only physical.

"You want me," Ruki stated. "Right?"

I lowered my gaze, gulped, and finally nodded.

"Sweet," Ruki said unexpectedly.

And already he was pulling me into another kiss.

  
_Hello dear my bride_  
_Ashimoto wo yaku_

  


Two hours later we reached my apartment building. My room was tiny, the thin futon on the floor hardly the right environment for wild amorous play. But Ruki still lived with his parents back then, and we didn't want to waste money on a love hotel when we could just as well go to my place. I didn't care, I only had eyes for Ruki.

In that moment, when he undressed before me, he was my god. I wanted to clap my hands twice and bow down in prayer. Naked, he stood in front of me and gave me time to admire him to my heart's content.

I don't know how long I was just staring at him with a dry throat and greedy eyes. Eventually, he made a step towards me - me, sitting on my futon, adoring him. All of a sudden, his loins were in front of my nose and I got to watch his half-erect cock twitching eagerly.

"Do you like what you see?" Ruki's voice breathed into my ear. When he leaned down, his hair brushed my cheek, making me moan. This man was so indescribably hot!

Now Ruki's hands were at my shirt, opening the buttons, pushing it off my shoulders. Then a gentle pull on my arm, "Come on, get up," and soon I felt my pants taking their leave.

I was completely under Ruki's spell and I could only stand there helplessly and let him proceed. The thinking I left to Ruki, he seemed more capable of it at the moment. And I thought he did a good job.

Only when his hand took a near-painful hold of my cock did I wake a little from my daze. "Agh!" Wide-eyed, I stared at Ruki who returned my look with a grin.

"What do you want, Yune, hm?"

"Ah, Ruki... I want you. I want you!"

"And how do you want me, Yune? Tell me!"

It was too much for me. I was totally and utterly out of my depth. How was I supposed to utter an intelligent sentence when Ruki had now stepped behind me, rubbing his hard erection against my ass while his hand continued to stroke up and down my cock?

"Ah, Ruki!"

"Ts, ts, ts," Ruki chided as his hand paused. "You'll have to tell me what you want, Yu-chan. Otherwise I can't continue."

"Ah.... please, Ruki! Please... go on."

I was proud to have uttered an entire sentence. Eighteen years old and unkissed to this day, I reacted to any stimulation as though someone had just pushed a Fairy at the highest setting up my ass. And trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

I didn't mind, didn't even notice that I was begging Ruki; that I was hanging helplessly in his arms and hoping for him to do _something_ with me - completely forgetting that I had two arms of my own with which I could easily have done something more active myself. No, none of that entered my mind. I was focused on Ruki to the exclusion of everything else. Only he would be able to grant me release.

"Ruki... please..."

I nearly sobbed with relief when he seemed to understand me and gently lowered me down to the futon. But then he got up. 

"What...?" I asked, unsettled. 

"Be right back, Yu-chan," Ruki soothed me. "Just having a quick look at your bathroom. We need lube..."

Of course I didn't have any lube lying around. When I went shopping this morning, I hadn't been expecting Ruki to be standing in my room in the early evening asking for a lubricant in order to ... Whew, I could sure blush quickly given the right incentive!

Ruki returned soon after with my body lotion. "Let's just hope this won't dissolve the rubber," he said cheerfully as he fished said item from a jeans pocket in his pile of clothes. 

Always prepared. Ruki was such a man-whore. And I so very much didn't care right then. 

"Ruki," I sighed dreamily. Grinning like a predator, he sank down on the futon beside me and extended one hand to softly scratch at my nipple.

"Ah!"

"You like that, don't you?" Ruki's grin widened. After that, I didn't see his face for a long time, having closed my eyes in pleasure,  surrendering to my feelings. 

  
_Odoru, odoru, nemureru made odoru_

  


Ruki's hands all over my body, caressing, pinching, and scratching. Ruki's cock rubbing up against mine as he lay down on top of me, kissing me thoroughly. His lips against mine, his tongue, demanding, hot, dominant.

Then cool air hitting my moist lips as he withdrew, sat up. A finger, _there_.

I whined.

My hands had fisted into the bed sheet above my head without my conscious input. I lay completely open, offering myself to Ruki, a toy he was all too willing to explore.

"Yune, Yune, you have not idea how hot you look."

Ruki's words tore a whimper from my chest. Blood was pounding hot in my temples and my cock stood up between my legs hard as granite. Ruki's finger slowly trailed around my opening, then finally entered it at a torturously slow pace.

"Ngahhh!"

Even with my eyes closed, I could _feel_ Ruki's smirk at that. He was obviously enjoying eliciting ever stronger reactions from me. His left hand ghosted over my belly and made excited shivers run down my entire body, while his right index finger was slowly moving inside me, searching for that remarkable spot that even a ladykiller like Ruki must have at least heard of at some point.

And he even found it.

"Waah!"

"Hehe, you are cute, Yu-chan," Ruki laughed - and right away, he pressed his finger against that little bundle of nerves again.

My back arched, my heels dug deeply into the futon. But I never even for a second entertained the thought that I might move my hands from their current position, much less put one of them on my own erection.

"Ruki...," I just moaned and awaited his next action with baited breath.

Ruki did not seem to be in a hurry that evening. For a long time, he just played with that one finger inside me. Eventually, though, he did add a second finger, then a third, and when he finally withdrew his hand entirely, I nearly died of anticipation, knowing all too well what had to come next.

"Look at me, Yune!"

Ruki's voice brooked no objection and my eyes flew open. I looked into his lightly flushed, radiant face and groaned with pleasure. How could this man look so damned good?

"Please... Ruki..."

He grinned. "Please what?"

He really wanted me to say it? That was humiliating, and yet... Somehow, it was also hot.

"Fuck me, Ruki. Please!"

"Well done," Ruki grinned and petted my sweaty hair. Then I felt the blunt tip of his erection against my ass and spread my legs a bit further to grant him unfettered access.

It hurt, but I enjoyed it like I enjoyed few things before in my life. This right here, this was what I wanted! To feel Ruki deep inside of me, that was an even better feeling than to be on stage with the band. Happy hormones rushed thorough my blood stream, making me almost dizzy.

"Oh, Ruki!"

"Yune." Ruki sounded a bit breathless himself. He remained motionless for a few seconds before he slowly started to move inside me. Every thrust sent me closer to heaven and soon...

"Ruki, I... I..."

Incredulously, my eyes - once more closed in pleasure - snapped open when Ruki's hand suddenly closed tightly around the base of my erection.

"Not just like that, my friend," Ruki said, grinning wolfishly. "You'll have to earn that, first."

"E-earn...?"

"Put your back into it and make me come, Yu-chan! Come on, clench those muscles, I'm sure you can do better than this!"

"Y-yes, Ruki-sama..." I was totally beside myself and could only think: _Ruki is the one who can deliver me... Master o_ _f_ _my body..._ I would probably have jumped out of the window without a second thought had he asked it of me just then. I'd do anything for Ruki.

If only he'd finally allow me to come!

I gave it my best effort. I met each of his thrusts, tried to give him as much stimulation as possible. Finally, I even raised my hands to trail them across his chest, but -

"Hands off, Yune!"

Ruki hit my fingers with his free hand and I flinched back.

"Y-yes, Ruki-sama."

Ruki leaned down and put his full weight onto my body, making it hard to draw breath.

"Keep them up," his hot breath panted into my ear while his free hand took hold of both of my wrists and pressed them into the futon above my head.

I nodded hurriedly.

With a satisfied grin, Ruki straightened back up. His hand slit from my wrists to my hair, stroking it gently, and finally came to rest on my cheek.

He gave it a light slap.

"Who do you belong to, Yune?"

"Ah! You, Ruki-sama!" I just saw the beginnings of another predatory smile before my eyes closed again of their own accord. Ruki had taken hold of one of my nipples and was pinching it hard. The feeling was overwhelming. Painful, and yet... and yet...

My erection pulsated in Ruki's grip, swelled with blood and full of semen that urgently wanted out. But Ruki wasn't done with me yet. He leaned back a little and pushed my legs up until they were lying over his shoulders. Then he began to rake his finger nails down the sensible insides of my thighs.

"Ahhhh!"

"Do you like this? Tell me that you like it!"

"Yes, Ruki-sama! Yes!"

"Call me 'Master'!"

"Yes, Master! I like it! I like it...," I sobbed, barely able to understand what was happening to me. My body no longer obeyed the laws of logic, reacting to pain with pure pleasure and to humiliation with ardent desire.

I was unsettled, but also as aroused as never before.

I let myself fall.

Ruki was there, Ruki would catch me. I trusted him and so I let myself go completely, began to sob and beg, welcoming every pain he gave me like a precious gift.

Ruki flourished under my reactions. The more I begged and moaned, the longer it seemed he wanted to draw out the game. He got steadily more creative, reaching for the fork lying on an old plate on my bedside table and maltreating me with that before abruptly turning me on my stomach to lash at my back with the end of his belt. He had to let go of my erection for that, but -

"Don't you dare to come!"

It was the sweetest and also the cruellest torture.

  
_Odoru, odoru, nemurasete to odoru_

  


Nothing prevented me from coming, nothing but Ruki's interdiction. But right then, I saw that interdiction akin to a direct instruction from Buddha himself - nothing in the world could make me disobey it. 

I don't know for how many hours Ruki was torturing me. I lost my grip on reality and was floating freely in space. But finally, from afar as though through a dense fog, I heard the voice that encompassed my entire world: "Come, my slave. Come for me."

"Yes, Master!"

* * *

"That was intense."

"Yes."

We were sitting together at the Mosburger's a couple of streets from my apartment and staring at each other across a bag of fries and onion rings. We'd both needed a while to come down from the intense emotions and it looked like we hadn't entirely managed yet. I felt burnt out and weak, but at the same time a single touch of Ruki's hands or a mere gaze from his eyes could hit me like an electric charge.

We avoided meeting each other's eyes.

"I thought you're straight."

Ruki remained silent for a while before he said: "I've never done it with another guy before you."

"Before you, I've never done it at...," I started, but then caught myself abruptly. "But why me? If you've never before... with a guy - then why me?"

Ruki shrugged. "Because I wanted to. I always wanted to know what it would be like, and there's something about you... Well, I wanted you."

"And now?" I asked fearfully. 'Wanted'? Past tense? Had Ruki's curiosity been sated and he'd just drop me now like a hot manju?

"Now..." Ruki seemed lost in his thoughts until he finally raised his head and looked straight at me. "Now I've discovered that there are things about myself I never knew. The girls I've had so far have all been soft and delicate. But you! You are hard and yet so sensitive... You are exciting, Yune. And that desire for pain, for submission - wow. I had no idea it could be so much fun to have that kind of power over someone."

I smiled a little. Frankly, the whole thing hat freaked me out a bit. I hadn't known I carried that kind of desire until this day, either. Oh, sure, I wanted to have a strong someone protecting me, someone I could yield all responsibility to. I'd always imagined a better father figure, though, one who'd be there for me; not a dominant lover.

And yet I could hardly deny that Ruki's confident handling of my body had been good. I did not have to think, could leave everything to Ruki - and he hadn't disappointed me. He'd shown me emotions I had never known before, had been gentle yet firm at times, hard and demanding at others, while keeping me on the edge of orgasm for so long that I'd nearly collapsed. It had been intense, fulfilling and incredibly liberating.

"I had no idea it could be so good to... let go," I softly admitted.

Ruki smiled at me. "You looked damn sexy when you submitted to me."

"So..." I hesitated, not wanting to risk a refusal, but really needing to know. "So we can maybe do that again sometime?"

"Oh, we will!" Ruki's predatory eyes watched me like prey. "You better believe it."

* * *

In the following weeks I had sex more often than I'd ever imagined. Ruki still had the occasional girlfriend, but he spent more and more time with me.

That was enough. That _had_ to be enough.

Because I already couldn't let go. I'd fallen for Ruki body, heart and soul and I knew he loved my dependence. Again and again he pushed my boundaries, got me to do things I'd have refused to do and shamefully averted my face at the mere mention mere days before.

He took me in the band room. In my apartment building's elevator, we went up and down four times and I always thought someone was bound to come in any moment now... In a compartment at the manga kissa, with the entire internet café listening in; I was biting my lips in order to keep back the loud moans and screams that wanted to erupt. In the bathroom, my hands tied to the slide bar while he whipped me with a towel. On my futon - the side table now held an XXL carton of condoms next to a bottle of lube. In the kitchen, where he widened my hole with an eggplant. In the park. In a dark niche below the Yamanote line. Once, even, in his parents' house.

And each time, I felt secure, treasured, lo - well, maybe not loved, but at least desired and appreciated.

The fact that I now exclusively addressed Ruki as 'Master' outside of rehearsals and he kept demanding ever more humiliating actions, like crawling underneath the restaurant table in an unobserved moment to suck him off... that didn't bother me. I knew he respected me. And he valued my submission and my reaction to pain.

It felt so good to be shown appreciation - albeit in such an unconventional manner. All my life, I'd always just wanted people to like me. And now I'd found someone who came up daily with ever more creative ways of showing me just how much he appreciated and liked me. And desired me.

Ruki also discovered things about himself during this time that he hadn't known before. Having already found out about his penchant for dominance during our explosive first time, the following weeks taught him to enjoy all kinds of - often improvised - toys; his joy in humiliating me and pushing my boundaries ever further; the pleasure he derived from watching my mascara run, smeared by my tears while I was helplessly at his mercy. His semen on my face, all over my ass, on my tongue. The picture I made when I was begging him on my knees to please let me come.

Ruki was my god. And boy, did he enjoy it!My life was wonderful and I wanted nothing more than for Ruki to finally give up his girls and dedicate all his attentions entirely to me. I wanted to belong to him, and him only!

But the gods had other plans.

* * *

"Suck it thoroughly, slave. I've got nothing here but your spit to lube it..."

I was kneeling before Ruki in the band room. As usual, everyone else had left before us and also as usual, Ruki couldn't wait until we were back at my place. Ruki had been threatening for a while now that he was going to take me across my stool so I'd always have to think of him when I played. Today he was going to make good on that threat.

His hand fisted into my hair and he buried his cock in my throat. I swallowed frantically, trying to hold back the tears. But once again, I failed.

"You look so sexy when you cry for me," Ruki panted. I swallowed again.

"Enough," Ruki finally said, pushing me away. He was visibly struggling, but apparently his further plans were more important to him. "Get on that stool!"

So there I was, lying belly-down on my stool with my pants around my ankles, ass sticking out - when Reita walked in.

"Hey guys! I forgot my spare stri- uh."

Reita stared. And stared.

My head felt like a furnace, I was sure I'd flushed a deep red. Ruki however was cool as ever. "Yu-chan here has a great ass. Wanna try?"

My body was trembling in suppressed fear and humiliation. Ruki couldn't just pass me around like a soulless thing, like a...

Oh.

Like a slave. Wasn't that what he called me when we played? His slave. And in the capacity of his slave, I had to obey him. For bad slaves are punished, or given away.

I didn't want to lose Ruki.

"You look hesitant, Reita. Yu-chan, go and spoil him a little. Maybe then he'll loose his... reluctance."

"Yes, Master," I said quietly, pushed myself off the stool and crawled towards Reita on all fours. Upon arriving I sat up on my knees, bringing my face level with his crotch.

"May I, Master?" I asked submissively.

Reita still seemed a bit steamrolled, but he managed a nod. I nimbly opened his zipper and took out his cock. It was a decent handfull, but hardly erect at the moment. Slowly and deliberately, I lowered my mouth to his member and began to lick and suck.

"Oh..." He got hard instantly.

I wasn't sure if I should feel betrayed by Ruki for handing me over just like that; or proud because pleasuring Reita came so easily to me.

Meanwhile, Ruki was sitting on my stool, watching us. "So, how about it?" he asked at some point. "You want to give his pert little ass a try?"

Reita hesitated again. "I've never..."

"Cool," Ruki grinned, "then I'll just have to show you how it's done."

I heard Ruki get up and approach me from behind. I was getting ready to stop blowing Reita to give all my attention to Ruki; but Ruki resolutely pushed me back into position. "Don't slack off now, slave!"

I obeyed.

While Ruki roughly went about opening me up, I tried to keep up my rhythm and pleasure Reita as best I could. Finally, Ruki was ready. I couldn't quite suppress a moan as he pushed inside me.

Shit, that was hot!

Reita had gotten used to Ruki's treatment of me by now. Somehow, he seemed to enjoy it too, for when Ruki began to fuck me with short, hard thrusts, Reita grabbed my head and copied him.

Never before had I felt so used and humiliated. It was hot, no two ways about it; and yet a not so small portion of me rebelled against it. I didn't actually want Reita. I didn't want to have sex with him, didn't want him in my mouth!

Why was Ruki doing this to me?

Reita came not too long after that and I swallowed meekly. I didn't want to, I didn't like it, but I couldn't bear the thought of disappointing Ruki. So I swallowed.

Ruki saw it and moaned. Soon after, he also came. I couldn't feel his semen through the condom, but I could feel him stiffening behind me and heard his groan.

Then it was over. I was kneeling on the floor, panting, while Ruki and Reita adjusted their clothing.

"Up, slave," Ruki instructed me, "get ready. We're going to your place."

I dragged myself up off the floor, perfunctorily wiped my ass with a paper tissue and pulled up my pants. Ruki's next words to Reita hit me like lightening from a clear sky.

"Wanna come with?"

* * *

 

Since that day, Reita joined us again and again.

The one time I tried to tell Ruki I didn't want that, he ordered me to shut up. A slave didn't get to have wishes. And I wanted to be his slave, didn't I?

I love the bastard, goddammit! And he shamelessly abused that.

I kept going. Kept giving Ruki power over me, even though it hurt me. I didn't _want_ Reita, I really didn't. And yet his cock kept plunging into my mouth, my ass, while Ruki looked on or joined in.

I was miserable.

The sex was hot, but my soul was bleeding tirelessly from gaping wounds. Pain wrecked my every waking hour. All of this was so wrong! Why was this happening to me? I wanted to believe that Ruki liked me, appreciated me. But how could I when he passed me around like a bottle of beer? I was no longer living my dreams, but his.

  
_Wasuretai no ha_  
_Shirosugita kutsuu_  
_Shinjiteru to iikikasu_  
_Kizu ha kienai_

  


* * *

Again I look out the window, watching the snow flakes slowly tumbling down from the sky. Down... down... So beautiful, and yet doomed to a harsh death on the pavement below.

And I?

How long am I meant to go on like this?

Nothing is normal today. I am agitated, cannot rest. I read somewhere that the most suicides in Europe happen around Christmas. Is that equally true for the New Year in Japan?

I get up and aimlessly wander about the apartment. Have I really been living here for six years? Then why does the apartment not reflect that? The apartment shows the personal touch of Ruki, Uruha, Reita and Aoi. A picture here, a pack of fags there, a forgotten folder...

But of myself: nothing.

It saddens me. When I leave here, nothing of mine will remain. That isn't right, that can't...

I make my way to the Computer and switch on the device myself. For the first time. Without any real conscious decision, I open a file and start to write.

  
_"Until your distress sleeps_  
_fill me up with your grief..."_

  


* * *

Once, just once, I tried to set a hard limit.

Ruki wiped it aside without a second thought.

"Arms up, Yu-chan," Ruki commanded.

I obeyed, and right away Ruki's arms wrapped around me. Reita was behind me, his hips slowly gyrating against my bum. Ruki's cock rubbed up against mine. As always I was both aroused and disgusted by my own passivity. Why was I allowing Reita to have such intimate contact with me yet again? I used to really like Reita, but now... somehow, it was all way too much. And, once again, we hadn't even managed to leave the band room. Naked. Cold.

I couldn't go on like that.

"Ruki... I don't want to do this any more."

"Hm?" Ruki kept grinding against me, moaned and reached for my nipple to pinch it.

I took down my arms.

"Ruki, stop. I don't want -"

The door opened.

Uruha.

For a single, crazy moment, I hoped he would save me from Ruki and my dependency that defied all logic. Anyone should be able to tell at first glance that I couldn't possibly want this, shouldn't they?

"Oi, guys, the hell is this?"

Apparently not.

"It's a party," Ruk grinned. "You wanna join in?"

I felt cold.

Like a rabbit in front of the hunter's barrel, I watched motionlessly while Uruha glided toward us. Toward me. He examined me with pursed lips before flippantly proclaiming: "There's hardly any space left."

Ruki grinned and moved off of me. "C'mon, you can have mine. I'll switch with you later."

"No! I don't want this! Not another person. Ruki, I only want y-"

Smack.

"Shut up, slave!"

Ruki had slapped me.

"You don't get a say in this, slave. And now behave or you'll regret it!" Ruki turned away from me to wink at Uruha. "He's into that," he confided.

At that moment, something inside of me shattered.

Ruki really just saw me as his slave. His toy. The idea that I might have my own feelings that didn't conform to his wishes didn't seem to even enter his head. And obviously Reita and Uruha agreed that it was all fine.

Were they right? Was this fine? Should I give in and just let it all happen?

At first, Ruki had seemed just as excited as me, like I could give him something he could get from no-one else, something special... But by now he was sharing me with two other men and I knew it was only a matter of time before Aoi joined in. I was nothing special. I was just convenient.

  
_'Sugao da yo' to kotaete kureru nara_  
_Kizutsuite mo ii_

  


Like a mindless doll I let it all happen. Oh, I wasn't just hanging in there lifelessly, not at all; I reacted to every order, be it "Move!", "Suck me off!", or "I want to hear you beg!"

But part of me was... absent. Had taken its leave and gone off to dream of a different world, one in which I had Ruki to myself and all this was just a nightmare.

I knew well that I didn't have the strength of will to cut myself loose from Ruki. He'd been my first lover, and while he might never actually have loved me, he'd initially shown me all the appreciation I'd always longed for. For something only I could do - submit to him. And I'd done so with fierce abandon, until I defined myself entirely through him. Without Ruki I was nothing. I knew that. And so I let it all happen. All of it.

For Ruki.

* * *

 

It still took me a long time to understand just how far my incapacitation actually went. While everyone else was busy making new experiences, accomplishing things, I stayed at home.

Home, that was now a small apartment the others provided for me. After all they wanted to be comfortable while they played with their slave. I hadn't resisted the move. Why should I? There was no doubt it was much better than my tiny bedsit; and besides: Ruki willed it.

But little by little, I became aware that there were ever fewer reasons for me to leave the apartment. We rehearsed less, and if we did, it happened within the apartment. The guys - my masters - came by sporadically, but somehow, at least one of them was always there wanting to be served or entertained.

Sometimes there were planned meetings where the whole band gathered to talk through a new song and smooth out the rough edges or some such. Then everyone crowded around the computer in the study, listening to the program's mechanical rendition of the song over and over and animatedly discussing this riff or that bass run.

It was good, like in the old days. I felt that I still belonged, still mattered. Somehow. Now and again I was sent to brew tea or fetch drinks, or I had to prepare lunch - both Ruki and Uruha were utterly hopeless in that respect, but always hungry. But hey, I was there, I listened, sometimes even made a suggestion that got taken into account.

Only... all of that happened inside the apartment.

At first, I didn't even notice. Then came the day I realized right before a planned meeting that I had zero alcohol in the apartment. I knew Uruha would really flip his lid if I didn't do something about that immediately. I dug out my wallet - and how long hadn't I held that one in my hands? - threw on my coat and hurried down the stairs. The elevator was on the ground floor again and waiting for it would take too much time.

In the lobby, I met Uruha.

Rather, I met his fist.

"What do you think you're doing?" he hissed angrily. Hastily looking around, he dragged me into the elevator and forcefully pushed the button for the top floor. The doors had barely closed when he pushed me against the wall and closed his hand around my throat.

"Now listen here, slave: don't you dare run away! You stay in the apartment at all times and keep yourself ready for us, got that? What are the neighbours going to think!"

I nodded, panicked, his hand was constricting my airway.

He gave me a final squeeze, then let go.

"Yes, Master," I wheezed.

Ping.

The elevator had arrived.

Uruha grabbed my arm, pulled me to the door, unlocked it and dragged me to the living room. There he tore down my pants, threw me across the back of the sofa and entered me in one hard thrust.

It hurt. I knew he meant it to. Uruha wanted to teach me a lesson.

I didn't even get hard.

While Uruha was busy punishing me, Ruki entered the apartment. I sent him an imploring look from wet eyes. Ruki merely raised one eyebrow and mildly addressed Uruha: "What's crawled up your nose and died?"

"This one," Uruha panted, "just - ran into me - on the stairs. - Outside - alone!"

Ruki looked at me with plain disapproval and I felt horrible.

"I - I just wanted to - there was no more beer …," I tried to explain myself.

Ruki stepped around the sofa and came to a stop in front of me. He looked down on me and took my chin in his hand. While Uruha continued to relentlessly bugger me, Ruki looked at me with that disappointed gaze and scolded me: "Yu-chan, what am I going to do with you? Have you still not learned your place? You are not responsible for the shopping and it's totally unnecessary, too. Aoi is bringing the drinks. But you, you are to stay inside the apartment. A slave does not come and go as he pleases. Do you get that now?"

"Yes, Master," I whispered brokenly.

Ruki slapped me.

Then he turned away and vanished into the study. "Let me know when the others get here!"

"Will do," Uruha yelled back.

Then he focused once more solely on his pleasure.

* * *

 

Again I am standing at the window, looking out into the night. Next to me on the window sill lie the scissors Ruki used the other day to cut my hair. Absently, I lift it and slide my fingers across the sharp blade.

Is there another way for me? Or am I not indeed obliged to put an end to this cruel game? An end... I smile. To sleep and not think of anything... That would be nice.

  
_Kamoku yurasu yaiba ni_  
_Emi wo._

  


* * *

After exactly one year's membership I 'quit' the band.

Uruha had drunk too much the previous night, gotten a bit boisterous and played too rough. The result: I once again had marks on my face that the make-up wouldn't cover up. The first time it happened, I'd worn a strip of cloth across the face like Reita, and somehow it had been okay. Had to. But this time, Ruki said I'd better stay home.

Instead of going to the concert, I settled down fairly apathetically in front of the tv and started channel-hopping. I really hadn't planned it, but I stumbled upon a small local station that provided live coverage of my band's concert.

_"...as always, Ruki's got the mike. And today, esteemed audience, it is our immense pleasure to present to you our new drummer. I'm sure you've all heard the rumours that our dear Yune hasn't been doing so well for a while now; well, long story short, he's decided to get out of the show business and keep things a bit more chilled from now on. I'm sure you are all just as sorry as we are. But hey, we're not gonna leave you in the lurch! For the last few weeks, a new drummer has practised with us and is now ready to give everything for you guys! Please welcooooome.... Kai!"_

I don't know how long I remained seated dumbly in front of the tv after the concert had long since ended. I wasn't capable of moving, or even switching off the tv.

I'd been replaced.

Just like that.

I thought I'd lost my last bit of self-respect when Uruha joined in for the first time, along with any hopes of being happy with myself and my situation ever again.

Wrong.

Something must have been left, because I could feel it crumbling now and falling off me in tiny shards. It scratched my skin like glass. It burned my eyes. It took my stomach in a strange-hold and squeezed.

I wasn't the drummer any more. I wasn't important for the band. I was no-one.

Just the slave.

* * *

 

I never considered myself depressed, but looking back I have to say it seems likely.

They say the incapability of feeling aggression is a sure sign of depression. Others in my place would have felt naked hatred for Ruki, I'm sure. He'd conspired with the others behind my back to raise a new drummer to replace me. I had to learn from the tv that I was no longer part of the band. Ruki had made me what I was, and now he was using that as an excuse to kick me out. I can still see him before me, dropping in late that night after a party with the new guy, when he noticed the tear tracks on my face and looked at me uncomprehendingly.

"Well what were we supposed to do? You got hurt so often, you couldn't possibly play like that!"

And yet I felt no hatred, no anger - only sadness.

  
_Wasuretai no ha_  
_Shirosugita kutsuu_  
_Shinjiteru to iikikasu_  
_Kizu ha kienai_

  


I knew it was my own fault. Hadn't I made the first step myself? Ruki'd never needed to notice me as a sexual being. Wasn't I indeed this submissive, masochist little creature Ruki treated me as? I could always just have walked away from Ruki, had I gathered my courage just once and stood my ground. Hadn't I said 'yes please' to every new humiliation and let it all happen? Again and again?

The words Ruki once spoke to Uruha echoed in my head: _"He's into that."_

What had I expected?

  
_Yaseta yume ni_  
_'Mou ichido' wo utau_  
_Kanshimi sae_  
_'Jibun da yo' to kotaete kureru nara_  
_Kizutsuite mo ii_

  


I'm sick of it.

I sit down on the window sill and gaze blindly out at the drifting snow. I begin to paint soft, slow patterns with one blade of the scissors on my forearm.

_Yuka ni chiitta_  
_Chou wo mo hiroenu sono me de_

I'm surprised to see that I've scribed a character: Kai.

I don't know what to make of the new drummer. Well, new, that's very relative. It's been six years since they replaced me. With Kai.

It took a few weeks before they brought him along. Probably the idea of a male sex slave was a bit much, especially considering I was the band's previous drummer. What did that have to tell Kai about his own future?

Well, I'll never know what he made of it. Kai didn't talk to me, and I certainly wasn't going to ask.

How could I, without a voice?

Since the day I learned from the tv that I was no longer a part of the band, my voice refused to serve me. I could still utter sounds, but words were beyond me. Maybe the eeriest part was that nobody seemed to notice. If I just obediently lowered my head instead of saying "Yes, Master," it was fine by them. No one had been asking for my opinion in a long time anyway. 

When the band sat around the computer planning new pieces, I was either busy in the kitchen or kneeling at their feet. I had nothing to say any more; after all, I was no longer a member.

That was Kai, now.

Kai... He was kind of the band's mother.

I noticed those things, watching their lives from the sidelines as I was. It was kind of interesting to watch. Kai would play on the console with Uruha they'd brought around one day and listen to his worries when he was drunk. Kai joked about with the others about who stole the limelight from whom, but at the same time nobody could ever doubt that he was in it for the music much more than for fame or money - after all, he often wondered where the day went after he'd sat down behind the drum set that had also somehow found its way into my abode, and could be seen absently drumming on anything that was at hand when the drum set wasn't. Kai somehow managed to always be kind, always ready to listen...

And Kai made me nervous.

He'd never lost a word about how the others treated me, and yet... He never joined in. He'd come to the apartment, fetch himself something to drink from the fridge and sit down on the sofa or in front of the computer. If one of the others was around, he'd start a conversation with them, otherwise he'd just sit calmly and keep himself company.  Me, he never seemed to really notice. 

But sometimes I had the feeling that he was watching me. It made me shiver. I didn't know what he wanted from me, couldn't get his measure.

Obviously he didn't mind the life I lived, otherwise he'd surely have spoken up. Yet he didn't seem interested in using me like the others did. I assume he's uncompromisingly straight. Very well. But why those looks? For six long years... 

I don't know where those years have gone.

I'm aware that a lot has happened in the others' lives during this time. Career, tours, fights and reconciliations with friends and family... Kai took up smoking and quit it again. Reita fell for a gaijin girl on one tour and learned that "I love you" does not mean "Take me" in every language.  Aoi spent a night in the hospital after a drinking contest with Uruha... and ended up falling in love with Uruha who'd not left his side all night and died a thousand deaths in worry for Aoi.  Both of them arrive and leave more often than not these days, and if one of them plays with me, the other is usually somehow involved, as well. Ruki reconciled with his family  and rarely comes here any more. They all have hectic, but apparently fulfilled lives. For them, the world keeps on turning. 

But for me it stands still.

I do not change. Am always the same. The slave. Reliable, obedient, and unimportant.

Again I lower the scissors to my arm. I've lost interest in random patterns, though. I push down a little harder. Tears roll down my cheeks as I think of everything I once imagined: To live my dreams, be myself, cheer and laughter and action...

  
_Odoru, odoru, nemureru made odoru_  
_Yamanu namida_  
_Nani mo nai to kokoro wo fusagu tabi_  
_Karesou da to_

  


I gave my heart to Ruki. And he didn't even notice.

Now he hardly visits me any more. I am nothing to him. I used to be convenient, but now my time has passed. The others are still using me, made a habit of it, but nobody here actually needs me.

Fascinated, I watch the blood running down my arm.

I feel dizzy.

I hardly notice myself sliding off the window sill, dropping to the floor... the scissors lie next to my head... I smile...

  
_Muishiki ni haita_  
_Iki ga hada wo sou_  
_Kamoku yurasu yaiba ni_  
_Emi wo_

  


I don't know what's going to happen to me now, but I know I've done my part. Parents, friends, the band, Ruki - there is nobody here that needs me.

  
_Wasurenaide_  
_Itami wo shiru anata ni hikarete koto_  


Nobody.

  
_Koko de_  
_Oyasumi._

  


* * *

  
_"Until your distress sleeps_  
_Fill me up with your grief..."_

  


"Hey, Kai?"

"Hm?"

"Isn't that the song that…?"

"Yes, it is."

"Why...?"

"In Yune's honour."

"I don't understand."

Kai sighed. "Ruki and the others are sorry. They never realized how Yune suffered. Ruki really believed Yune wanted all of that."

"…"

"I know, Ruki's never been the brightest bulb in the set. I gotta say I had my doubts when I first saw how the others treated Yune. But Yune never said anything..."

"He'd forgotten how to talk."

"I had assumed that had been his decision. My mistake. But still - somehow, Yune had never really shown how unhappy he was."

"I know. Stupid of him."

"No! Please, no more recriminations! This has all gone incredibly wrong, I think we can all agree on that, but it was not Yune's fault! If anything, it was everyone else's."

"Not yours. You never did anything to Yune."

"I also never did anything _for_ Yune." 

"…"

"…"

"If you... Then why didn't you ever... like the others?"

"I didn't just want Yune. I loved him. That's something else entirely."

They both smiled.

"I know that now. ...So you play Yune's song because they are all sorry?"

"Yes. And because they want to remind themselves that Yune used to be an important and appreciated member of the band once upon a time. Honestly? They miss him."

"Miss him! But Yune hasn't been a part of it for seven years!"

"Of the band, yes. But Yune was still around, in a way."

"In a way! What exactly was Yune, then?"

Kai looked at him seriously. "Yune was the band's home. They came to him with their worries. They came to him for affection. They met at his place to talk about new songs. They got him to cook for them when they were hungry. Yune was reliable, always there, always the same. Yes, they abused Yune; but not only for sex. Yune had so much to offer!"

"Sex. Cooking. Listening to other people's problems. _Fill me up with your grief._ Yes, Yune was good at that. But... but that wasn't really Yune!"

"Yes, I think it was. It wasn't all he is, but it was a part of him."

"Are you saying Yune deserved this?!"

Kai sighed and pulled the smaller man into his arms. The other resisted for a moment, but then allowed it. "You know that's not what I think. I just mean Yune initially took all that upon himself because he wanted something special from Ruki, hm?"

"No, don't go harping about that again...!"

"But I think you miss out on something."

"On what - Ruki?" The voice was dripping with angry sarcasm.

"No! Relaxation! Letting go!"

"SM?"

"You still don't trust me enough to even try...," Kai said unhappily. He gently pushed a strand of hair from his partner's face.

"I don't want that any longer. I don't want to be that way."

"But it's a part of you! And you used to get so much out of it."

"Do you want to turn me back into what Ruki made me?"

"No, of course not! Oh, you're twisting my words on purpose."

Silence reigned for long minutes, only broken by the CD quietly playing in the background.

"What's the song called? Yune never named it..."

" _'Distress and Coma'._ "

More silence.

"A year," a hesitant voice finally broke the silence. "A year since you found me. Took me to the hospital. A year in which you put me back together, one tiny step after the other. And you really never told the others that I woke from the coma after only a week?"

Kai shook his head.

"Why not?"

"I don't think you want to see the others, do you?"

A shake of the head.

"Talk to them?"

A shake of the head.

"Let them know where you live nowadays and how you are?"

Hesitation. A shake of the head.

"There you go. If you ever feel ready to, you can tell them yourself. You can let them know that you are alive and awake and have a new name. Until then, sorry, they deserve no better. It's certainly given them something to think about."

"That's pretty self-righteous of you."

"I know. I wasn't that much better myself... You have no idea how grateful I am that you forgave me!"

"If not for you I'd have died in misery. ...So the others think I'm dead?"

"They could no longer find you at the hospital and the doctors denied them all information - it's not like you're related."

"Back then, I didn't want to know, but... how did they react?"

Kai uneasily cleared his throat. "I can only tell you what I heard from the guys themselves, and since all of them were in shock, I'm not sure how reliable that information is. But it must have happened something like this:

"Aoi was the first to enter the apartment on the evening of January first. He saw the spilled blood and could not find you - 'scuse me, Yune - and got a panic attack. Reita came next, found the hyperventilating Aoi, put a plastic bag over his head until he calmed down and asked him what was wrong. Aoi is thankfully fairly down-to-earth; he went ahead and called everyone. Too bad for him he didn't reach me - I was sitting next to your hospital bed and had my phone switched off.

"Ruki joined them, then Uruha. They sat together, looking at the blood... and finally called the police. The officers came and looked at everything, asked for the victim's name and eventually found out that Yune had been admitted into a hospital with self-inflicted cuts on both forearms from which he'd nearly bled to death; and now he lay in a coma.

"After this news, the guys were so out of it they did pretty much nothing for several hours. Then finally some life came back into the group and they started aimlessly wandering around the apartment.

"That's when Reita found your text."

"Yune's text."

"Yes, sorry. I understand why you don't want to identify much with who you were; but I think you should try to overcome this one day. Like it or not, it's a part of you, something that shaped you and -"

"Kai!"

"Alright, alright. So Reita found _Yune's_ text. Believe me, it made a deep impression on them. 

  
_'Yaseta yume ni_  
_Samenu ima ga utsuru_  
_Kanashimi sae_  
_'Sugao da yo' to kotaete kureru nara_  
_Kizutsuite mo ii_

  


"Had you been in the room when they read that text, I'm sure you would have been able to see the guilt hovering around them like a thick fog, it was so intense!"

A quiet laugh. Kai's eyes sparkled joyously.

"And then?"

"Well, then... Then they all took off to visit Yune. They found me, pumped me for information where and how I'd found Yune - and showed me Yune's songtext.

"It was easy for them to guess that I was the one to get Yune to the hospital; but they hadn't expected me to also be the one who put them on the spot and forced them to think about when Yune had last said 'No' and 'Stop' and why that had been ignored; when Yune had last shared his opinion, or said anything at all.

_'Koe wo koroshi_  
_Yowaku furueru te ni_  
_Kuchibiru wo otosu'_? 

"How could I not have asked? It was clear that y- Yune's constant silence was not as harmless as I'd been assuming. And I for my part finally wanted to know the truth!"

"Late..."

"Yes. I'm sorry."

"Better late than never." A smile.

"Well. So they started to talk. Ruki kept shrinking with every word. He's always been a little Mr. Ego, but since that day, he has changed. The more he realized what he had done, that  _he_ was primarily responsible for... Yune … trying to end his own life, the more his ego shrank.  Now it's only about twice as big as a normal person's."

Kai was rewarded with a laugh. 

"And the others?"

"Same. Uruha even gave up drinking for a few months. Then his grandmother died and he took it up again. But hey, at least that much."

"Yeah, at least..."

"Hey, it's half past four. Don't you have a rehearsal?"

Those few words had a big effect. 'Yuichiro' smiled widely and extracted himself from his partner's embrace. "Yes, band rehearsal, right!"

Yuichiro still couldn't quite believe his luck. Kai had spent a number of months helping him overcome his trauma; and was still doing so today. But after about half a year, he was well enough to make the decision that he wanted to go to college. He didn't want to be Kai's kept man, so he had to earn money. And although college was dead expensive - once he had his diploma, he could find a good job and pay it all back to the bank. Not that Kai didn't have enough money for both of them, but it was the principle of the thing. Yuichiro never again wanted to live off of other people's money. Too many bad memories were tied into that.

He'd barely set foot on his new campus when a small miracle had happened: He'd got wind of a band looking for a drummer. Nothing fancy, just a little college band that would probably never go far; but for Yuichiro it was the best band in the world.

Because they needed him.

He was the drummer once more. He beat time, everyone relied on him, and he did a great job. At night, he practised together with Kai. If one of them ever had to bail, the other would effortlessly be able to take over for him, since both of them could play their partner's pieces just as well as their own.

Only Yuichiro would never actually stand in for Kai. He loved his small, modest band, for they only occasionally played in the park or at student parties and made no great waves. They never appeared on tv; hardly anyone outside their college had ever heard of them. Yune's old band would never learn they even existed.

And that's exactly how Yune wanted it.

Yune's old life was past. But Yuichiro was facing a rosy future, with a loving, attentive boyfriend who completely understood it when Yuichiro got up at three a.m. to write a songtext; with his studies that took a lot out of him, but also gave him the chance at a great job in the future; and with a band that respected and needed him.

For he was the drummer.

* * *

On a small stage in the Ueno park, a little-known student band was playing today. The guys were obviously enjoying the hell out of their own music, but were clearly not meant for great stages. Still, their loyal little fan base was yelling and cheering.

But at the very back, in the last row, stood a lonely, motionless figure, frozen like a leaf in winter. The figure looked at the band's drummer, saw his joy, his laughter, his rounded cheeks...

Ruki turned and left the park, bitter tears silently rolling down his cheeks.

  
_Owaru hazu no yume ni_  
_'Sayonara' ga saiteru._

  


The End.

**Author's Note:**

> Translation: 
> 
>  
> 
> _[Until your distress sleeps_  
>  _fill me up with your grief]_
> 
>  
> 
>  _Hello dear my bride_  
>  _Nani wo miteiruno_ \- What do you see?  
>  _Yuka ni chiitta_  
>  _chou wo mo hiroenu sono me de_ \- You cannot even grasp the butterfly that has fallen to the floor with those eyes.
> 
>  _Wasuretai no ha_  
>  _Shirosugita kutsuu_ \- What I want to forget is the white-hot agony.  
>  _Shinjiteru to iikikasu_  
>  _Kizu ha kienai_ \- I tell myself I believe, but these wounds won't heal.
> 
>  _Odoru odoru nemurasete to odoru_ \- Dance, dance, dance, please let me sleep.  
>  _Yamanu namida_ \- Neverending tears....  
>  _Koe wo koroshi_ \- I kill my voice.  
>  _Yowaku furueru te ni_  
>  _Kuchibiru wo otosu_ \- With slightly trembling hands I cast off my lips.
> 
>  _Hello dear my bride_  
>  _Ashimoto wo yaku_ \- I burn the ground beneath your feet.  
>  _Miminari ni mou chikazuku_  
>  _hitsuyou nado_ \- You need to get used to the humming in your ears.
> 
>  _Muishiki ni haita_  
>  _Iki ga hada wo sou_ \- The breath exhaled in unconsciousness runs down my skin.  
>  _Kamoku yurasu yaiba ni_  
>  _Emi wo_ \- I give a smile to the softly quivering blade.
> 
>  _Wasuretai no ha_  
>  _Shirosugita kutsuu_ \- What I want to forget is the white-hot agony.  
>  _Shinjiteru to iikikasu_  
>  _Kizu ha kienai_ \- I tell myself I believe, but these wounds won't heal. 
> 
> _Yaseta yume ni_  
>  _Samenu ima ga utsuru_  
>  _Kanashimi sae_ \- This faded dream reflecting the present I cannot wake from is nothing but sad  
>  _'Sugao da yo' to kotaete kureru nara_  
>  _Kizutsuite mo ii_ \- If they tell you 'This is the true face', it's alright to be hurt.
> 
>  _Wasurenaide_  
>  _Itami wo shiru anata ni hikarete koto_ \- Do not forget the one who is drawn to you who knows what pain is.
> 
>  _Koko de_ \- Right here -  
>  _Oyasumi._ \- Goodnight.
> 
>  _Odoru odoru nemureru made odoru_ \- Dance, dance, dance until you can sleep.  
>  _Yamanu namida_ \- Neverending tears...  
>  _Nani mo nai to kokoro wo fusagu tabi_  
>  _Karesou da to_ \- If you close your heart without reason it seems to wither.
> 
>  _Yaseta yume ni_  
>  _'Mou ichido' wo utau_  
>  _Kanashimi sae_ \- Singing 'Again!' in the faded dream is nothing but sad.  
>  _'Jibun da yo' to kotaete kureru nara_  
>  _Kizutsuite mo ii_ \- If they tell you 'It is you!', it's alright to be hurt.
> 
>  _[Until your distress sleeps_ 　　　  
>  _fill me up with your grief ]_
> 
>  _Owaru hazu no yume ni_ \- In this dream that seems to be ending... 
> 
>  
> 
> _[Until your distress sleeps_  
>  _fill me up with your grief]_
> 
>  
> 
>  _'Sayonara' ga saiteru_ \- ...springs a 'Goodbye'.
> 
>  
> 
> P.S.: I realize it's ridiculous for someone who can barely string three Japanese words together and is not a native speaker of English to attempt a lyrical translation, so please feel free to correct me!


End file.
